Lost my teacher mother balance
I have lost my work life balance. I am more of a teacher and less of a mother, and absolutely disheartened by it.
My personal and professional life has changed a lot since I have last written here. To sum it up, my responsibilities as a mom have dwindled and so has my time with my own daughters; what has replaced my time is a devotion to being a good teacher. In 2015, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and in 2016, after his brain surgery he became a stay-at-home Dad. Our life fell apart for a while as our 10 year old daughter was also hospitalized, we decided to move from Virginia to Tennessee. That part has worked out and we moved to my home town and I am teaching a town 45 minutes away. BJ is a great stay-at-home Dad and the girls are living a good life, but Molly cries periodically when I call saying I'm leaving school. A girl on Anna Cate's basketball team asked her if she had a mom. I have lost my balance.
I have revisited this blog as a reminder that I used to have balance. I wrote a piece about how I would be a good teacher if I didn't have to rush off from school every day to take care of my other duties. I used to walk away, to choose mothering over teaching when it was time. I wrote that I had two 8 hour shifts.
Now, I basically just do one long shift. I leave the house around 7am and get home around 6pm....sometimes I am even working after I get home. For instance this week, I didn't leave school any day before 5...except on Monday, I left at 4pm. BUT on Monday, after Anna Cate's basketball game, I came home and worked until 9:30pm and then got up at 3:30 am to prepare for the day. I don't have much energy left for mothering....I don't even realize how disconnected from the home and my daughters I am until a school break (like Summer or Fall break) when I lean back into my motherly duties.
I have moved to a school system with less resources and high expectations from my administration, for whom I have an enormous amount of respect. Or maybe it is the expectations I have for myself have not changed. I want to help the system, support other teachers and be the best teacher I can. I have more extra-curricular responsibilities, less planning time, no scheduled work days (yep you read that right -- no work days, not one, it is expected that teachers will grade, decorate and plan on their own time) and a limited curriculum provided. Classroom resources are very low. My mother had to buy my room a printer. I spent my own $$ decorating my classroom. In terms of curriculum, luckily I have a lot in my tool box, but lack of work time to implement lessons and feedback, so I have stolen time from my family to be the teacher I know I can be. I have lost my balance.
So what can I do? I know admitting it is the first step....But I want to be good. How can I find my balance? More meditation, more yoga and putting in those proverbial big rocks in my jar. That all helps but that doesn't give me a curriculum or time to give appropriate feedback to my students.
By the way, I should say I know my own daughters are fine. They have a phenomenal stay-at-home Dad, and my parents as active grandparents, teachers in their schools who love them, their Aunt Becki and cousins to make their life full. BUT I am missing their childhood.
I started this blog 7 years ago to showcase the problems of public education from the trenches. And I'm sharing this because this should not be the case. A teacher should be able to work contract hours and at the very least, be mediocre. What I do is not sustainable, and honestly most days I leave feeling like I didn't get it right. I feel like I am working this hard and still probably mediocre myself. I didn't give enough valuable feedback to my students. Did I make sure everyone felt welcome? Am I providing enough rigor? Is it too hard? Am I too slack on behavior? Too strict?
This should not be the status quo. A lawyer is not in trial at all times. Teachers need time and resources. I believe the best teachers are mothers, that time in the field offers quality experiences, but if master teachers have to chose between their family and their trade, I am afraid for the system. I have no answers today, just an admittance of my own problem. I am seeking balance for myself, for my daughters, and for my students. I hope to keep you posted on how I do it -- what I'm giving up, and what I'm gaining. Teachers and mothers...how do you find the balance?
My personal and professional life has changed a lot since I have last written here. To sum it up, my responsibilities as a mom have dwindled and so has my time with my own daughters; what has replaced my time is a devotion to being a good teacher. In 2015, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and in 2016, after his brain surgery he became a stay-at-home Dad. Our life fell apart for a while as our 10 year old daughter was also hospitalized, we decided to move from Virginia to Tennessee. That part has worked out and we moved to my home town and I am teaching a town 45 minutes away. BJ is a great stay-at-home Dad and the girls are living a good life, but Molly cries periodically when I call saying I'm leaving school. A girl on Anna Cate's basketball team asked her if she had a mom. I have lost my balance.
I have revisited this blog as a reminder that I used to have balance. I wrote a piece about how I would be a good teacher if I didn't have to rush off from school every day to take care of my other duties. I used to walk away, to choose mothering over teaching when it was time. I wrote that I had two 8 hour shifts.
Now, I basically just do one long shift. I leave the house around 7am and get home around 6pm....sometimes I am even working after I get home. For instance this week, I didn't leave school any day before 5...except on Monday, I left at 4pm. BUT on Monday, after Anna Cate's basketball game, I came home and worked until 9:30pm and then got up at 3:30 am to prepare for the day. I don't have much energy left for mothering....I don't even realize how disconnected from the home and my daughters I am until a school break (like Summer or Fall break) when I lean back into my motherly duties.
I have moved to a school system with less resources and high expectations from my administration, for whom I have an enormous amount of respect. Or maybe it is the expectations I have for myself have not changed. I want to help the system, support other teachers and be the best teacher I can. I have more extra-curricular responsibilities, less planning time, no scheduled work days (yep you read that right -- no work days, not one, it is expected that teachers will grade, decorate and plan on their own time) and a limited curriculum provided. Classroom resources are very low. My mother had to buy my room a printer. I spent my own $$ decorating my classroom. In terms of curriculum, luckily I have a lot in my tool box, but lack of work time to implement lessons and feedback, so I have stolen time from my family to be the teacher I know I can be. I have lost my balance.
By the way, I should say I know my own daughters are fine. They have a phenomenal stay-at-home Dad, and my parents as active grandparents, teachers in their schools who love them, their Aunt Becki and cousins to make their life full. BUT I am missing their childhood.
I started this blog 7 years ago to showcase the problems of public education from the trenches. And I'm sharing this because this should not be the case. A teacher should be able to work contract hours and at the very least, be mediocre. What I do is not sustainable, and honestly most days I leave feeling like I didn't get it right. I feel like I am working this hard and still probably mediocre myself. I didn't give enough valuable feedback to my students. Did I make sure everyone felt welcome? Am I providing enough rigor? Is it too hard? Am I too slack on behavior? Too strict?
This should not be the status quo. A lawyer is not in trial at all times. Teachers need time and resources. I believe the best teachers are mothers, that time in the field offers quality experiences, but if master teachers have to chose between their family and their trade, I am afraid for the system. I have no answers today, just an admittance of my own problem. I am seeking balance for myself, for my daughters, and for my students. I hope to keep you posted on how I do it -- what I'm giving up, and what I'm gaining. Teachers and mothers...how do you find the balance?
Comments
Post a Comment